Hello everyone, and welcome to the Evil Apostrophe blog, the very first (or second or third, but probably first) blog (which is actually not a blog - I'm just using Blogger because it's free and I'm a poor bastard) ever (archaeological evidence says so; it may be wrong, though) on this world dedicated entirely (as of June 2007) to divulge the evilness of the Evil Apostrophe! Together, we shall clean the world of its most vile and terrifying demon! ...what? Oh, change of plans. The demon-slaying job has already been taken. But we'll do the apostrophe thing anyway.What is the Evil Apostrophe?
Good question, my good friend who I probably do not know and possibly never imagined existed! The Evil Apostrophe is but the single most common and stupid error an individual may commit, excluding every other error that is more common and/or stupid than it.
The Evil Apostrophe is the apostrophe used to make plurals, as in RPG's, CD's, 1980's, how-to's, apostrophe's etc. It is, above everything, WRONG and EVIL, and it will obviously CORRUPT YOUR SOUL. Also, it's definitely overused. How many people have you seen, perhaps even including yourself, using it? YES, BILLIONS! Or less! You should know that these people are either evil spawns of doom coming from hell to take over humanity and create an endless reign of chaos and terror or not.
Many people commit this error, even renowned writers; I can name four right away:
- Michael Crichton did it.
- Arthur C. Clarke did it.
- Carl Sagan did it.
- Satan does it regularly.
Pictures coming soon. If you have any other good examples, please let me know. :)
Evidence about the demon
After years of hard work and a few enlightenment cookies (given as reward for everyone who does not use the Evil Apostrophe), I have finally managed to gather enough evidence to prove irrefutably the existence and supreme evilness of the Evil Apostrophe. However, it contains some very violent and disturbing pictures and videos depicting beheadings, suffering and gorillas armed with Gatling guns, and since I would rather have you keep your partially digested lunch away from my floor (metaphorically. Websites don't actually have floors, regardless of what you may have been told), I'm just going to show you some websites which agree with what I'm saying.
Evidence about the demon
After years of hard work and a few enlightenment cookies (given as reward for everyone who does not use the Evil Apostrophe), I have finally managed to gather enough evidence to prove irrefutably the existence and supreme evilness of the Evil Apostrophe. However, it contains some very violent and disturbing pictures and videos depicting beheadings, suffering and gorillas armed with Gatling guns, and since I would rather have you keep your partially digested lunch away from my floor (metaphorically. Websites don't actually have floors, regardless of what you may have been told), I'm just going to show you some websites which agree with what I'm saying.
- Wikipedia says yo, I know the authorities.
- WikiHow thinks apostrophe's belong to the 70's
- Bob, the Angry Flower, just goes ahead and says you are an idiot.
Spread the word! Give feedback!
A single man alone cannot win a war; all he can do is bake a cake. If you either support the cause or do not like cake, help spread the word! Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell the president, put a link to this blog on your website, tattoo the blog's URL on your forehead! Give me some feedback; say whatever you want to say! English is not my first language and I often make terrible and unforgivable mistakes - if you do find one, please show it to me and I'll fix it as soon as I can. And seriously, do tattoo the URL on your forehead! The last person who did now lives a perfect happy life in an Utopian realm unknown to humankind (that may not be entirely true, though. I take no responsibility for the bizarre consequences of your actions).
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS WEBSITE IS MEANT AS A WELL-HUMORED ESSAY FOR LEARNING PURPOSES ONLY. IF YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING AFTER READING IT, PLEASE READ IT AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL YOU DO. IF YOU FEEL OFFENDED BY IT, PLEASE SEND AN E-MAIL CONTAINING YOUR COMPLAINTS TO A@A.COM. ALSO REMEMBER THAT NOT ALL GORILLAS CAN SHOOT ACCURATELY WITH GATLING GUNS, AND THAT MOST PREFER BAZOOKAS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME (YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT BACK).
7 comments:
I totally support this cause.
If i had only one forehead i would tatoo it in mine.
Really, this is a terrible problem, i have nighmares everytime i see an "evil apostrophe".
By someone with P in its composition.
should be absolutely prove, not absolutely proof.
Thanks!
a most wonderful document. Bravo! Two comments though: you probably should look to collaborate with Lynn Truss, author of "Eats, shoots and leaves" as well as champion of all that is right (and crusader against crimes thereof) with punctuation. Second, this may be nitpicky but I have spotted at least one split infinitive - to absolutely prove. This is an absolute no-no in proper (man's) english. A possible alternative in this case would be "to prove irrifutably". Other than that, what I see is marvellous. Keep vigilant!
Thank you, anonymous #3! The phrase has been corrected as you suggested and the split infinitive shot with a grammar ray. I'll make sure to definitely get rid of its kind! I mean, to get rid of its kind definitely!
All nitpicking is welcome, by the way.
I am confused. (I'm confused.) An apostrophe is the rhetorical technique of addressing an absent person or object:
Love, tho' you are gone forever,
still your flukes infest my liver.
If you are a whale (you're a whale) please change the last line to:
still my flukes are all a-quiver.
The apostrophe may also be a move in a dance such as the Zorba, in which the dancer steps on his partner's foot and pivots away (from Greek αποστροφή, from αποστρέφειν ‘turn away’, from ἀπό + στρέφειν ‘turn’.) Or it may not. I may be lying about this.
Please expand your crusade to encompass abuses of its and it's. And must I mention tits and tit's? No? I thought not.
Good luck,
~~ OEJ
Funny stuff. If it's true that English is not your first language, I am impressed! You're very good at it.
I have linked to your blog. If you would like to link to mine, here is the URL: http://abusedapostrophes.blogspot.com/
Your brother in arms,
The Punctuator
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